Hermit

I've been in this position for nearly three days.

Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

How do you know if you have insomnia? Like, how bad should it get before your parents start to believe you? Because according to them, I'm too young to be an insomniac.

Though they have no idea I can't sleep at night.

To be honest, I'm not even sure whether I do have it since there's no diagnosis. But I've been having this problem since forever ago. I thought it could be due to all the insane mugging during O levels however, isn't it too long of a recovery period?

I just can't sleep anymore.

I attempt to though. Does that count? After a couple of hours, I would wake up and just curse at the fact that it'll be impossible to go back to sleep. This is including days where I have a busy schedule and I'm exhausted. I just continue to lie in the dark and count the seconds till I mock sleep when the alarms of my parents' phones start to go off.

And it'll be half an hour to my wake up time.

It's tiring yet I can't stop it.

And you shall be in...

Looks like I won't be in the same house as Chanyeol. *shrugs*

Royal Ramble

It has been a while since I blogged and coming back with a fresher mind made me realise that I am not exactly a fan of the content I've been putting up. I know that it's my personal blog and I should not be bothered with what I put on it because it's solely for 'Mundane Musings'; but it's not making me happy. 

I feel like I'm making myself out to be a horribly angsty and an unsatisfied human being which in reality, I'm not. There's just those days where I feel lower than I should be and I chose to write it out. Which is the fault there because I should also be writing about the days where I feel higher than usual (not in a drugged up sense, lol) so that I could look back and tell myself that, "Hey, you just have a poor memory, that's all. Look at how happy you were that day."

Also, I feel bad for making you read sad things, when it's better to balance with happy things. I want to get somewhere with this blog, even if it's just me letting out my inner feelings. It's just that I want people to know that there are others out there who shares your sentiments, who relates to you and that you're not alone. And I'm upset that I'm doing such a crap job at it. 

Well, that's a ramble. My apologies.

I shall take my leave now.

*curtsies* 

The Long Weekend

* I cropped the top part of my face because I am a shy child. 

Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends & Happy Holidays to everyone else~

It's an overdue post and I apologize. *bows head* It was a long three days and I was not in the mood to blog. I had the urge to but I was afraid of sounding whiny once I started typing (typical of me) and I would berate myself for it afterwards. Hence I decided to spare myself the rage and sadness. 

Why did I say I was not in the mood? Is it in a good way or a bad way? 

A little of both I suppose. 

Camp NaNoWriMo, Chapter 20 of 30

                             

Validated Word Count: 17,205

*throws confetti*

As a human being

Do you know the feeling when you're a shitty human being, and you finally realize that you are a shitty human being? There's this indescribable emotion of guilt and hurt that will be stuck in your heart, reminding you everyday of the nonsense you've done and said. You cry and ask for forgiveness every single day, hoping that one day your prayers will be answered and you'll finally feel... relief. 

And you're ready to start anew. 

I feel really sad now because today is the last day of terawih for the month of Ramadan. It feels so quick and although I am immensely glad and thankful I managed to go to the mosque for most of the month, I still feel it isn't enough. I have not asked for forgiveness enough. I have not shown my gratitude enough because all this time, all I've done is whine and ask. I ask and ask without feeling thankful for what He has given me. I want to make it up to Him. I owe Him that much. 

Because we don't know whether we would see the next Ramadan. Nothing is ever certain and that frightens me. The thought that I have not done enough and if everything were to come to an end, scares the crap out of me. I want to be ready and I want to be closer to Him. In Sha' Allah.

Salam early Eid to all. 

*aggressively  throws hearts*

Camp NaNoWriMo, Chapter 12 of 30

Word Count: 8000

I'm amazed I have not dropped from the late nights. I have 6000 left to go and am I doing well? Meh. I don't know what my story is anymore but whatever. 

I think the fact that I have to skip the editing is giving me anxiety. Haha. 

Usually I would reread my paragraphs to make sure they're flowing well and the dialogues are realistic and helps with the progression of the story but with this, I can't. If I were to let my inner editing demon free, I would never reach word count goal in time. Bah. 

When do I aim to finish? Judging by my progress, probably in another week or so. However, there's a fear of finishing my story before word count goal. Since it's a short story, I wouldn't be surprised. I'll probably try to squeeze in more content without info-loading if that were to happen. I am trying to elaborate but the 'Show. Don't Tell' rule is making me hesitate. Anyone else with the same problems? 

I don't remember how I used to write freely and without restraints. Maybe after a lot of reading and seeing how difficult it is for manuscripts to be accepted, I doubt and overthink my writing. I want to get rid of that. It's cramping my style. 

With school coming up, I'll need to stay up a little later to juggle between school projects (ew.) and writing. No issues there since I need to kick-start my multi-tasking and juggling tasks ability before school. Holidays have turned me into a sloth. 

An update when I've hit 10000~ 

6 years of naivety

Sincerely praying and hoping to meet you, does that make me naive? Especially since there's a 99.9% chance of you not being able to remember me. 

This stupid infatuation that I can't get over and is ruining my life. 

Camp NaNoWriMo, Chapter 5 of 30

Word Count: 3350

Not bad huh? I thought I would procrastinate the first week but I somehow wrote that much in a couple of days (I didn't write yesterday) and I have avoided rereading to cut down on wastage time. I need to go back to it and edit after I'm done cause it's literal word vomit right now rofl. 

I feel satisfied so far. I have no idea where the story will end up but I'll just follow the characters and choose scenes according to their personalities. I don't do very well with outlines and planning since I tend to steer away from them once I start writing. 

I'm trying to hit 5000 words by 3am so I should get started. 

*cracks fingers*

A dust-filled rug

Right after something happens, I would think of the things I want to write in my journal; things I'm angry about, upset about, anything that'll help get it off my chest. However, I usually don't have the time to do that. There's always an obstruction, or a distraction that'll steer me away from writing out my frustrations and I have no choice but to re-think on what I'm going to write, editing and choosing words that'll truly describe my current mood. 

But once I am settled down, have all the privacy and time to myself, I don't write it. Why? I just decided to sweep it under the rug. I am so used to bottling things up, I just file it away in my head and leave it alone. There's a little compartment in my brains for my mental diary that is kept in the form of memories. 

Memories that I am so afraid of suddenly spilling out and have me drowning in them. 

Camp NaNoWriMo, Chapter 3 of 30

Word Count: 810

Okay I know it is pathetic for day 3 and that's cause I didn't write at all yesterday. I was rolling around, trying to calm my brain from trying to pound the hell out of my skull. However, I have finally started and have finally got the words out. 

I changed the story cause I was reading something else and got distracted to write a spin off of that instead, whoops.

I want to take this seriously but I'm getting distracted with everything. Besides that, I can only write at night. 

Anyhoo, I wanna reach a thousand before it hits midnight so that I can have a sense of accomplishment. 

Camp NaNoWriMo, Chapter 1 of 30

Word Count: 0

I didn't feel like writing today. I was more interested in reading my mangas and dragging my day through like the sloth that I am. 

I intend to get started by tonight though and hopefully I'll be successful in playing catch up considering I'm going to be aiming for 15,000 words by the 31st. 

Do I have an idea of what my story will be? Yes, I do, surprisingly. It's based off my own story, only exaggerated and the character playing me has abilities that's quite difficult to get rid off. However, thanks to that, she was able to find her first love and la dee daa. 

I plan on posting it on Wattpad after editing. I want to fulfill at least one of the tasks on my bucketlist this year. I feel so... lousy, looking at my stagnant (?) list. 

I'll stop here to start preparing for my story. See you tomorrow, I guess? 

Accomplishments unlocked

Would it make me a vain person if I were to say I liked taking selfies? I don't know. There's just something satisfying about a good selfie on a horrid day. It makes me happy and if that makes me vain, then I guess I am. 

But you know something's a little odd when you realise that your pictures are all of you at home. 

Hesitation

I wrote 300 words to post but I deleted it because I started to sound whiny. 

Why am I whiny. 

Camp NaNoWriMo

As the title has stated, I am going to be participating in NaNoWriMo! *scatters confetti*

I am so excited, you have no idea. I also (somehow) convinced my cousin to join since she's been putting off her writing for years. We're going to back each other up, I can already tell. Woohoo.

Things on my mind

Probably out of character, but I'm EXO trash and with their comebacks, they've done a brilliant job at distracting me. 

Great work boys.

Why do I need distracting? I don't really know. 

I guess it's cause I've not seen them in... about a month now? Due to strict laws and rulings in the place that they're in which I honestly do not understand. I'm too young, I don't get it. Help me understand that the world is stern and there's no leeway for anyone. 

What I'm more afraid of is that I'm beginning to get used to them not being around? As sick as that sounds. It's understandable is it not? Or am I being inhumane? 

All these questions I'm throwing at myself and I have no idea how to answer them. 

I'm sounding incoherent. I'm stopping now.  

One of those days

The tiring frustration,

The dreadful feeling of wanting to cry,

The painful grinding of teeth,

The thoughts,

The thoughts,

The thoughts.

Ah, my head hurts.

Memory Span

"Why do you forget things so easily?"

I don't know, Mom. Everyone has their own defence/coping mechanism and that's just mine. I think.

Or is it a habit I won't be able to get rid of anytime soon?

Requirements to feel hurt

You are nearing sixty and your arms are hurting.

Working in the blue collar industry tires you out physically. Your body starts to ache, your muscles are not as good and your entire demeanor/appearance starts to change.

You complain, saying that you’re older now. All the creaks and cracks as your body protests unnerves you. You tell me I can’t understand. I’m too young. Make full use of my youth. Stop wasting it by napping every day and spending time cooped up by myself.

I am eighteen and everything hurts.

Introduction

I sometimes call myself the walking paradox. 

I am a living, breathing contradiction. I get confused as to what is right and what is wrong. Whether what I am feeling today is opposing to what I've felt last week. It's all a jumbled mess that I've learnt to live with. 

Is that a paradox or am I just bipolar?

Reasons why I get highly irritated by the way I write since the words, - my words - they don't complement each other. I switch moods and perceptions so fast, they affect my writing. And I'm here to fix that.

So watch me as I mull over my entire existence in an odd, complicated way.