* I cropped the top part of my face because I am a shy child.
Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends & Happy Holidays to everyone else~
It's an overdue post and I apologize. *bows head* It was a long three days and I was not in the mood to blog. I had the urge to but I was afraid of sounding whiny once I started typing (typical of me) and I would berate myself for it afterwards. Hence I decided to spare myself the rage and sadness.
Why did I say I was not in the mood? Is it in a good way or a bad way?
A little of both I suppose.
On Friday itself, we went to the mosque in the morning to do our prayers. It's a tradition we do every single year where the entire family would go to the mosque on the early morning of Syawal. It would be a tight squeeze in the car since it'll be my eldest brother driving followed by my dad in the co-pilot seat and the rest of us (twins, mom & I) are smushed at the back, with me ending up on one of the twins' laps. It would be filled with bickering in the morning by Dad (because we woke up late), listening to the takbir on the way to the mosque, prayers & eating on a dulang (of briyani usually) with other celebrating muslims, Afterwards, Mom and I would wait outside for the boys (with me fidgeting with my heels) then we make our way to Granny's place, often accompanied by our loud (monotonous) singing of raya songs.
The day goes on afterwards with a lot of tears from asking for forgiveness (my mom's a crybaby) and the one thing us kids look forward to; the moolah. When I was younger, I was always reminded to not peek inside the green packet before leaving the house. What can I do? I was a curious one. Though I tend to forget my money nowadays. Then, at the end of the day, one of us would fall asleep on the ride back. The cramped space allows nice leaning on another person's shoulder and the heat + uncomfortable traditional clothes makes one doze off (isn't it obvious that it's most often me?)
None of that happened this year.
Why?
Because the twins aren't around. My eldest brother is married and have moved out. My parents are not in the mood for it this year.
We still bickered and went to the mosque, visited Granny's place after that but the loud singing is now by only one voice. We went home straight after Granny's because Dad said he didn't feel like celebrating without the twins around.
But he didn't think.
What about me? His daughter. The youngest one in the family. The one who is still around.
There were no thoughts of me at all. He kept saying that his children aren't around, then what the heck am I? Can't you at least show a little excitement for me? I don't ask for hardcore festive mood but I just want a little enthusiasm from you. Yet I got hurt and disappointment instead.
It's like, I try to understand you, I try to accommodate and give in to you but you just enjoy pulling shit that'll sting like pricking needle. Why? Because you assume I'm strong enough, I'm responsible enough to know that my brothers need help.
On the second day of Hari Raya, he suggested we go to the airport for food. Dude, it's a festive season. If you have enough sense, you would know that your remaining child here wants to go out and meet her cousins and aunties. I snapped then, & for the entire day, I stayed in my room to read. My mom decided to stay at home as well.
Then my mom has been hinting that I've been selfish. That I only think of myself, & I don't put myself in their shoes. But when I offer suggestions or an advice, she would say,
"You're not a parent, you don't understand."
Well, excuse me for not having a child at eighteen so that I can empathize with you.
I just... don't know anymore. I keep thinking that it's my fault. I'm not being a good child by having these thoughts and I should be mature. I'm eighteen, I'm old enough to know things.
But really deep in my heart, buried under the heap of self-assurances and self-loathing, I know I don't know anything cause I'm stuck in denial.
Ugh. See? I managed to turn a festive post into a rant. This is why I should not write (type, whatever) when I'm feeling highly sensitive. I tried to make it a little lighter with the flipping tables but it suited the scenario so much, it didn't seem like a joke anymore.
Well, my whiny ass aside, I hope you have a great week ahead.
