I've been in this position for nearly three days.
I get up when mom yells at me to eat, to shower, to do chores. Other than that? Nothing.
I'm on my phone 80% of the time but I still don't reply to text messages. I hesitate to answer calls. I refuse to open my Whatsapp because I didn't want people to see my last seen and know I am avoiding them when I don't reply. Now that I'm typing it out, I'm thinking, "What the hell? This is pathetic."
Other than that, I stare out the window or just anything before me for hours straight. Letting whatever toxic thoughts run rampant in my head and I always come out of the daze feeling like I've taken part in a marathon. It leaves me exhausted and so so.. low.
But I do nothing to stop it.
I ditched a friend today. I was supposed to go support him at an event but the thought of company right now scares me. What more a large crowd? I feel like crap about it. He was so excited for me to see him take part and here I am, not able to leave my room because I am selfish and I want to hide myself.
It's just this massive void swallowing me yet it's not an unfamiliar feeling. As sick as it sounds, it's comforting. I know I'm safe from the scrutiny of another person, the cold sweat I break out into when I see someone.
Yesterday was another episode of embarrassment. I finally got out of the house cause mom wanted to go run errands and I didn't feel good with her alone at night. Though I proved to be utter useless and a semi-nutcase with my behavior.
I had my head down all the time and I spoke so softly, mom gave up talking. I didn't want to get out of the van and I slid so far down my seat to hide from people walking by. I started to panic when a car was struggling to get out of his lot because the van was parking his way. I mean, why on Earth did I get my license then? To sit in the car and panic when I'm perfectly legal to adjust the car myself?
I don't know what to do anymore.
