Musings #3

My brain has been shutting down more often than not these days. I don't remember when I'm not blanking out.

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You're tired but you can't sleep.
You want to sit still but you feel compelled to get up and move.

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I'm not giving up but it's hard not to.

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What confidence? I'm a writhing mess of thoughts and insecurities.

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When reality shatters with so much force that you get lacerations of your own incompetence.

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Where can I go with my bagful of dreams when my heart is full of hesitations and doubts?

School

I think school is unappreciated. Too many focus on the negatives of it; the stress, the projects, the people, the teachers, etc. But to me, school is a place for me to go to.

I wake up in the morning after a horrible night and immediately think, I need to get to school.

It gives me a sense of motivation to leave the bed and get out of the house. I think I enjoy the hustle and bustle of it. It keeps me from thinking too much.

Musings #2

Every time I close my eyes to sleep, I feel my mind being taken away to a place where I can't control my thought process. I don't want to sleep because I am afraid. But I want to sleep because I am tired.

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Don't get attached to anyone or anything. You're giving them permission to hurt you.

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When I'm not wearing my glasses, there's a reason (other than the obvious case of vanity) for it. There's something comforting about the blurry world. The anonymous, unrecognizable faces of people I might actually know with my glasses on, the double visions of a (theoretically) beautiful world. However, it sucks when I'm trying to read things off the whiteboard.

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He exhales clouds of smoke into the star-filled sky.

150511: Thoughts

I found this in a note.

And in the end, nothing was addressed because what are feelings if they're not yours?

Why care about what another is thinking when you think you're right?

Why care about another's feelings when your own is okay? 

And when according to your assumptions, they should be okay? 

The person can cry, get angry, get upset or disappointed but you won't feel a thing because why should they feel that way? Based on your perception, they don't have the right. 

I wonder how much of self-confidence and arrogance can one have. And I wonder how much do I need to not be affected by these people. I should be jaded. I should be cynical about things so why am I so affected when I'm not heard? 

This needs to stop because it's putting me in a dangerously vulnerable state. I can't protect myself if I don't even try to be protected. 

It feels as though my walls might crumble when in contact with anything now. Even the air that's surrounding us. 

Much angst. But I don't remember what happened.

Musings #1

I keep finding money in every crook and cranny, as though my thought of "I don't need to eat, I don't have money" is just an excuse to ruin myself further.

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Not broken.
Shattered.

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I like the idea of something that can give you those feelings all the time. I want something like that, and when I look at him, I think: there he is.
(inspired by All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven)

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I wonder when is my built-in ending.

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Fear: lightning and thunder

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This rush; this giddy adrenaline that sets my heart racing and sending my brain into overdrive, is this what I've been looking for?
(I screenshot-ed a supposedly private snapchat. Fuck but I'm still giggling)

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I infatuate so rarely but when I do, I give my all. There's no half-hearted attempts, no doubts. Just brazen actions and shameless thoughts.

But they never last for long.

Situations

Situations arise when you least expected it to. Especially situations where there's no time for damage control. Situations that sweeps you off your feet and throws you over the top of a skyscraper. Situations that hurt you so bad, they cripple you. Situations that confuses you but you're still left unexplained. Situations that you have no other choice but to accept the outcome.

Epilogue

You saved my life and went away
Come save my life again

Reminders

I really need to get myself together.

Angry tears

Please.

Please stop making me feel hopeless.

Please stop making me feel helpless. 

Thoughts and words.

I woke up and freaked out over the dream I had. I didn't think I would fall asleep so late in the afternoon but I had a tiring week and I was so tired and there's so much.. thoughts in my head.

This morning, mom had a long.. 'conversation' (one-sided no doubt) with me. Telling me that I was too lazy and I should take care of myself. I should not behave the way I am behaving now, saying that I am the only one in the family that's behaving 'lazily'. I should be embarrassed and reserved with the way I dress because certain things going on with my body are not meant to be shown.

She said the men and her are finding my habits an eyesore and I'm not doing anything for the house.

She also laid out my future telling me that even if I were to move out, no one will take me in because I am so lazy and I won't contribute squat. She also predicted that I will move out of the house.

She also stated,

"Sometimes I ask myself what is the thing that is important to you."

At that point of time, I was in a daze, and confused that I was being scolded out of the blue and so early in the morning. I didn't know what was the most important thing in my life.

Then, after waking up from that nap, I realised.

It was to ensure I do not lose my sanity.

Chips More Cookie

Hello

It's a little odd coming here without a heavy heart but I felt the need to say something because I felt lost without typing it out. I thought I would be able to manage without blogging and instead sharing my thoughts more with people. But clearly, that didn't happen (hah).

Lots of things happened in a few months and I don't want to forget them. See, words being said are often buried by other words that are said. They are forgettable.

And I don't want to forget when I've forgotten enough.

So, I'll be updating more. I have to update more.

I think another renovation of this blog is needed so, there's that to look forward to too.

I want to stop being angsty but that's gonna take a while.

Besides, I'm in my last year of being a teen, I want to release all this angst before moving on, to adultdom.

The weight of your worth

When I was 7 years old, I weighed less than what I was supposed to.

"Hello," said Emotions.

The switch on my emotions has been off for as long as I can remember. I don't remember the feelings I used to get when I'm upset, or 'depressed' even. I was the tough cookie who didn't cry, who didn't get sentimental, or emotional.

So, what happened today?

This is not a motivation

Happy New Year! 

Resolutions are not disappointing.