Come save my life again
A few weeks ago, mother found out something that she was so sure I would be ecstatic about. She held on to that piece of revelation for days, so that I will have the full effect of surprise without my exam anxieties weighing down on me. She was so excited,
finding out about the boy I have been hung up over for the past 7 years.
She found his Facebook account, courtesy of my aunt, and gave the piece of paper to me so that I would be able to go search for him.
I felt so torn.
I wasn't as excited as I had hoped. All I said was 'Oh..' and I had to bear the guilt of my mom's disappointment. I have been dreaming of him for years. So why was I not happy that he wasn't just a figment of my imagination?
Maybe because I was in love with the idea of him. I was in love with how we met, infatuated by the sheer mystery of it all and it all came crashing when I found out that he was real.
It hurts that I have nothing else to hold on to now. No more praying to find him, no more hoping and lying that I have someone I'm in love with. I can't do that now because if he were to find out that a 12 year old girl who had adored him grew up to be a 19 year old woman with lingering fantasies about him, I can never live with myself.
He had always been a part of me, always in my thoughts, taking residence in my heart, and I let him be because I never thought it would be possible. He was just an anchor that kept me sane.
"I shouldn't do this. What if he finds out and got disappointed?"
"I must take care of myself better, so that he would be proud of me when we meet."
Now that the anchor is aweigh, what happens to me?
