Where do I go with my heart full of misunderstandings, and unreasonable pent up anger? Where can I go with my soul consumed by loathing and an unfathomable sadness? Where do I go to be isolated from my loneliness? What can I do to ease this constant ache of injustice and disappointment? Where do I seek shelter? Who will even take me in?
- an hour after writing the above paragraph -
I don't take my words back but I now know that I'm not alone.
I have someone to cry with.
I have someone to keep my okay.
I have someone to hear me out, to shoulder my hurt.
I have someone who would give me the time of their day.
I'm not lonely anymore.
I have someone.
And I'll be okay.
Sunday, 30 April 2017
Friday, 14 April 2017
I don't know anything
"You don't know the real definition of that phrase."
"You don't know what real frustration is."
No, I don't. I don't know anything because you don't try to know and neither do you know the real anything. Who actually does? What is the real definition and feeling of anything? Does anybody know?
I thought things are interpreted differently with everyone? If you say that to me, can I say the same thing to you? Because I am sure that you also do not know the real definition of that phrase, the real feeling of frustration. You know why? Cause there will always be someone having it worse, there will always be someone who knows their definition of 'real' is what it is.
So the 'real' for me at 20 years old is as legitimate as your 'real' at 57. Don't downplay my feelings just because I'm younger than you. There's a 10 year old living in a war torn country. I'm sure their 'real' is more than ours. Stop making age a benchmark for being 'mature'. Don't tell me things like 'You think you're mature but you have not felt real desperation." "You don't know what real anger and frustration feels like."
If I get cut off from trying to explain my feelings, I get frustrated but I am able to brush it off. But when I try to explain and I get belittled, when I try so hard but I have to give up and agree with you because I don't want to be not filial, when the words exiting my mouth sound calm, nonchalant but the almost unbearable thundering in my heart almost made me stutter, I am not able to.
Stop it.
My self-worth is the only thing I have.
Stop taking it away from me.
"You don't know what real frustration is."
No, I don't. I don't know anything because you don't try to know and neither do you know the real anything. Who actually does? What is the real definition and feeling of anything? Does anybody know?
I thought things are interpreted differently with everyone? If you say that to me, can I say the same thing to you? Because I am sure that you also do not know the real definition of that phrase, the real feeling of frustration. You know why? Cause there will always be someone having it worse, there will always be someone who knows their definition of 'real' is what it is.
So the 'real' for me at 20 years old is as legitimate as your 'real' at 57. Don't downplay my feelings just because I'm younger than you. There's a 10 year old living in a war torn country. I'm sure their 'real' is more than ours. Stop making age a benchmark for being 'mature'. Don't tell me things like 'You think you're mature but you have not felt real desperation." "You don't know what real anger and frustration feels like."
If I get cut off from trying to explain my feelings, I get frustrated but I am able to brush it off. But when I try to explain and I get belittled, when I try so hard but I have to give up and agree with you because I don't want to be not filial, when the words exiting my mouth sound calm, nonchalant but the almost unbearable thundering in my heart almost made me stutter, I am not able to.
Stop it.
My self-worth is the only thing I have.
Stop taking it away from me.
Thursday, 13 April 2017
170413: Thoughts
When I was younger, Mom and Dad would shake their heads at the children who used their phones in the presence of their parents. They would chastise them, make an example out of them. Do not be like that when you have a phone of your own, it's disrespectful.
And I agree wholeheartedly. In a world where technology is a constant presence, people get carried away with the virtual world, often disregarding the importance of being a present human being instead of an online persona.
I think it's rude when I'm in the presence of someone else and even if there's a conversation to be spoken, eyes are focused on OLED screens and fingers are steadfastly swiping, scrolling, tapping. I feel like the outsider, intruding on a world I don't belong in when I know that I'm in the real one. It's done so often now that both worlds are quickly melding into one.
Some might say it fills up awkward gaps in conversation. I say that it kills the conversation completely. When you don't even try, what's the point in even meeting face to face? If communication can't even be done when there's eye contact and body language, why do people even still have to face each other?
I get told that I am a good listener, a good conversationalist but when I seek out a good talk, I rarely get one. I've been brought up to talk and socialize. I may not be the most outgoing but with another person present, I know how to keep the conversation going. I've been taught that way.
The irony of it is that now, I can't even get my parents to reciprocate to my words.
And I agree wholeheartedly. In a world where technology is a constant presence, people get carried away with the virtual world, often disregarding the importance of being a present human being instead of an online persona.
I think it's rude when I'm in the presence of someone else and even if there's a conversation to be spoken, eyes are focused on OLED screens and fingers are steadfastly swiping, scrolling, tapping. I feel like the outsider, intruding on a world I don't belong in when I know that I'm in the real one. It's done so often now that both worlds are quickly melding into one.
Some might say it fills up awkward gaps in conversation. I say that it kills the conversation completely. When you don't even try, what's the point in even meeting face to face? If communication can't even be done when there's eye contact and body language, why do people even still have to face each other?
I get told that I am a good listener, a good conversationalist but when I seek out a good talk, I rarely get one. I've been brought up to talk and socialize. I may not be the most outgoing but with another person present, I know how to keep the conversation going. I've been taught that way.
The irony of it is that now, I can't even get my parents to reciprocate to my words.
Wednesday, 5 April 2017
Tears
There's a certain tiredness that comes after crying. It saps a part of your energy that makes it so hard to function afterwards.
When you're holding back tears because you don't want to show your weakness, your chest will be left aching.
When you cry silent tears, the tracks made down your cheeks are left as race tracks, as a constant reminder that you're a race car driver spiraling down at high speed into the darkness.
When you cry heart wrenching sobs in someone's presence, you're left spent and satisfied.
When you cry heart wrenching sobs in the dark silence and you try to muffle your wails of pain with your sodden pillow, you feel a part of your soul gone and the rest of you battered and aching as your internal war dictates the champion and by your exhaustion, you've lost.
It's extremely tiring to cry. Especially when you can't let anyone else know.
I don't want to cry anymore. For it's especially worse when the person you're crying for doesn't care for the reason why you are.
When you're holding back tears because you don't want to show your weakness, your chest will be left aching.
When you cry silent tears, the tracks made down your cheeks are left as race tracks, as a constant reminder that you're a race car driver spiraling down at high speed into the darkness.
When you cry heart wrenching sobs in someone's presence, you're left spent and satisfied.
When you cry heart wrenching sobs in the dark silence and you try to muffle your wails of pain with your sodden pillow, you feel a part of your soul gone and the rest of you battered and aching as your internal war dictates the champion and by your exhaustion, you've lost.
It's extremely tiring to cry. Especially when you can't let anyone else know.
I don't want to cry anymore. For it's especially worse when the person you're crying for doesn't care for the reason why you are.
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