You contain enough to drown a person.
I am sorry I drowned you.
I am sorry I drowned you in my sorrow.
Every day I wonder and admire the strength you portray in the face of obstacles. Obstacles that I can never imagine going through and coming out of it unscathed or leaving a wake of destruction behind me. There’s so much patience and grace, with a hint of firmness in your words that anyone who ever raises their voices at you feels hollow and abusive afterwards.
I can never understand the amount of love you have and willing to give to your husband and your children who have never amounted to much, who have always disappointed you, who have dashed your hopes and dreams of us leading better lives. And I can never understand the undying faith you have in me who came so late in your life, to bring you away from this world of failures and abuse.
When everyone else has spent more than half of your life with you, I never will.
When the first three lights failed to shine the other end of the tunnel, you put your hopes on the last one, the one who came 12 years too late. I cannot even determine how I will be in the future but hypothetically, if I did make it in life, will I be too late? While I reach and search for success to take you out of this, will I still be myself? Or will I forget and be exactly like how I didn’t want to turn out to be? Or will I even lose you in the process? Or will I take care of myself so poorly, it became too late to ever get anywhere?
There’s so much love you have for me that you are so confident that I will be okay on my own. That I won’t lose my state of mind because I am so strong and I am always focused on reality. That I won’t fall into a limbo because I lost the only light I have in my life. That my heart will shatter and can still recover even if I can never return to you all the love you’ve given me.
I envy them so much for having most of their lives with you. For hogging and monopolizing all your time, all your thoughts, all your affection and never once appreciating you for it. For stealing you from me and never realising how precious you are. For making me so lonely and still taking you for granted. Yes, I am lonely because I will never get half of what they have received and I can never return what I have been given. I feel so hopeless I can’t do anything substantial for you and I never can. I am so sorry I am not good with words. I can never seem to say sweet and positive things to you without hating myself for lying. I can never give you hope even though that is always what you’re depending on. I see so much of your pain, hurt and disappointment that I don’t want to get close to you in case I am became the one inflicting it.
But I crave for your love so much I am always at a loss of what to do. Maybe they need it more than I do and I, as the self-sufficient one should give in. But what if I never get to be a spare thought in your head at all? What am I supposed to do then? Am I being selfish for thinking this way? I love you so much that I cannot fathom how you can ever doubt my concern, my worries. Is it because I never express them in words like they do? I don’t want you to think that my words are synonyms to asking you for something like how it always is with them. I want my words to stay with you forever because they are genuine and when I say them, I’m leaving half of my heart with you.
That’s how much it takes for me. And it hurts so bad because you love me so much, you wouldn’t want them under the excuse that I should be keeping my heart for someone important in the future but you don’t understand how important you are because I want you in my future no matter how unrealistic it might seem. There’s so much more to say but I cannot put my thoughts into words to convince you how much of a miracle you are to me. How you’re my beacon of light for when I am lost. My book of comfort when I am feeling low. My mirror of self-reflection when I’ve done something wrong. But I just can’t say them to you. Because they might need you more than I ever will. I could depend on time, but time is something I can never have with you.
