When grandma gifted it to me, it was a burden. Like an anchor eternally aweigh and hanging from my neck. It was a thank you gift for constantly visiting her when she was ill. It shows her gratitude for my constant presence by her bedside, entertaining her rants about my family's shortcomings. It was a thank you for being the messenger owl to inform my family that the one she needs is them and not me. I was not appreciated there. She doesn't want me as their mascot. She doesn't want me, her granddaughter.
She gave to me a pendant and chain made of gold. I broke the chain on the day itself, when I sobbed after placing it around my neck and tugged on it till it gave way. The weight was taken off and I could breathe.
The next day, following instructions from grandma, mother came home with a thicker, stronger chain to tie me down. From then on, my breathing stays at half-mast in distress.
I began tolerating the weight around my neck. With every person acknowledging it, with my own grandmother beaming (smirking?) when she sees it, I became comfortable with the weight. I succumbed to her deadly words. I was no longer resisting. I was a ship moored to the sea bed by its anchor.
I gave up my anchor today. I gave it up for noble reasons. And I am now without my chains. I felt lost, buoyed, free and dazed all at the same time because shouldn't I be glad to be free?
Then I remembered that I was accustomed to the load between my collarbones. Now that it's empty, I have no control over my vessel. I am no longer the captain, for the anchor was the one that made sure I was kept rooted.
p.s I don't even know what this is.
