170326: Thoughts

I am so sick of negativity. I am tired of fighting back, of unnecessary comebacks, and constant pent up anger at the mistreatment of others. I am sick of people being pushovers, of being pretentious and “savage” when all they’re being is rude and disgusting. I hate how everything must be done together now because we’re a family and it’s always an utter failure because of fire going against each other and the mediator, water, ending up hurt in the crossfires. There’s so many ways this could turn out to be utter catastrophe and the lines I’ve carefully mapped out to know my limits are dangerously blurring from the constant erasing and adjusting. 

The weight around my neck

When grandma gifted it to me, it was a burden. Like an anchor eternally aweigh and hanging from my neck. It was a thank you gift for constantly visiting her when she was ill. It shows her gratitude for my constant presence by her bedside, entertaining her rants about my family's shortcomings. It was a thank you for being the messenger owl to inform my family that the one she needs is them and not me. I was not appreciated there. She doesn't want me as their mascot. She doesn't want me, her granddaughter.

She gave to me a pendant and chain made of gold. I broke the chain on the day itself, when I sobbed after placing it around my neck and tugged on it till it gave way. The weight was taken off and I could breathe.

The next day, following instructions from grandma, mother came home with a thicker, stronger chain to tie me down. From then on, my breathing stays at half-mast in distress.

I began tolerating the weight around my neck. With every person acknowledging it, with my own grandmother beaming (smirking?) when she sees it, I became comfortable with the weight. I succumbed to her deadly words. I was no longer resisting. I was a ship moored to the sea bed by its anchor.

I gave up my anchor today. I gave it up for noble reasons. And I am now without my chains. I felt lost, buoyed, free and dazed all at the same time because shouldn't I be glad to be free?

Then I remembered that I was accustomed to the load between my collarbones. Now that it's empty, I have no control over my vessel. I am no longer the captain, for the anchor was the one that made sure I was kept rooted.

p.s I don't even know what this is.

Musings #4

It's difficult to integrate back into humanity when you've been alone for a prolonged period of time.

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I'm not that good of company.

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I'm so sick of the same people, the same routine of staring at the same four walls until someone comes and expects me to socialize when I was left in silence and solitude for so long.

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Sometimes people speaking makes me wanna foam at the mouth.

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I think I have more conversations with myself than with people. I'm my best listener and conversation anyway.

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My inner monologue gets so loud at times that I have to stop in the middle of doing something to wait for it to end.

From a daughter to her mother

Show her this if I'm gone.

To my pillow

You are as filled as a rain cloud.
You contain enough to drown a person.
I am sorry I drowned you.
I am sorry I drowned you in my sorrow.