Situations arise when you least expected it to. Especially situations where there's no time for damage control. Situations that sweeps you off your feet and throws you over the top of a skyscraper. Situations that hurt you so bad, they cripple you. Situations that confuses you but you're still left unexplained. Situations that you have no other choice but to accept the outcome.
But out of this situation, I got to learn several things;
1) independence
2) self-sufficiency
3) the art of ignorance
4) that being alone is okay
It was so difficult to adapt in the beginning. The heavy guilt of the fault, the hollowing loneliness, the emptying loss and the newfound (albeit reluctantly) freedom. I struggled with myself to dampen the screaming filial piety, to quiet the raging rebel, to calm the cries of the lost child but eventually I did.
Milestone: buying insurance for myself + no longer tapping on dad for the Medishield
It was nerve-wracking yet exhilarating and I can't help but feel the pride after signing the papers that'll keep me secure in the future. I am self-sufficient. I can survive even if something were to happen to me. And it feels bloody great.
I did not make the decision on my own fully but it was thanks to the shoving (read: gentle) my cousin did that actually convinced me to do it. I've always been a skeptic, a cynical pessimistic but for once, I wanted to feel the transitions to adulthood. I want to know what it feels like to buy important things for myself, to save up money for my future. To plan. To leave the never ending peasantry. Even at a risk.
But what is living without risks?
Now that I have the space and time to go out and do the things I want, I want to ensure that they're worth it. However, the loneliness gets overwhelming. It gets suffocating and all I want to do at that point is to just cry. But there's no tears.
(I think I've ran out)
Being an introvert does have its benefits during this plateau. The desperation dies down rather quickly although it often leaves me drained, worn out, fatigued, etc.
I want to type out more but I feel like the level of my coherency is decreasing because another situation happened. And I'll struggle to make sense, because less than a paragraph ago, I was an optimist, motivated to live and be awake.
But I'll try.
Today, after that situation (no.1), she's trying. She's trying so hard to make up for it and I want to scream at her. I want to shout and throw things at her for all the hurt she's put me through. For making me leave, for hurling debilitating words at me who was unguarded. For making me cry, that was the final straw.
But I can't because she's mom.
I can't go against her because the filial piety is fulfilled, the rebel gets tamed and the child is soothed. And it's so unfair.
Here I am, trying my best to live without you. Here I am, doing my darnedest to prove to you that I can make it on my own and suddenly you come to fuck it all up.
Because you want your children attached to you, dependent on you, needy, clingy.
But I will be different, I will continue my explorations into adulthood on my own. I won't be my siblings. I refuse to be.
And there's no way you'll get back your daughter from before. She died because of you.
