School

I think school is unappreciated. Too many focus on the negatives of it; the stress, the projects, the people, the teachers, etc. But to me, school is a place for me to go to.

I wake up in the morning after a horrible night and immediately think, I need to get to school.

It gives me a sense of motivation to leave the bed and get out of the house. I think I enjoy the hustle and bustle of it. It keeps me from thinking too much.

Musings #2

Every time I close my eyes to sleep, I feel my mind being taken away to a place where I can't control my thought process. I don't want to sleep because I am afraid. But I want to sleep because I am tired.

--

Don't get attached to anyone or anything. You're giving them permission to hurt you.

--

When I'm not wearing my glasses, there's a reason (other than the obvious case of vanity) for it. There's something comforting about the blurry world. The anonymous, unrecognizable faces of people I might actually know with my glasses on, the double visions of a (theoretically) beautiful world. However, it sucks when I'm trying to read things off the whiteboard.

--

He exhales clouds of smoke into the star-filled sky.

150511: Thoughts

I found this in a note.

And in the end, nothing was addressed because what are feelings if they're not yours?

Why care about what another is thinking when you think you're right?

Why care about another's feelings when your own is okay? 

And when according to your assumptions, they should be okay? 

The person can cry, get angry, get upset or disappointed but you won't feel a thing because why should they feel that way? Based on your perception, they don't have the right. 

I wonder how much of self-confidence and arrogance can one have. And I wonder how much do I need to not be affected by these people. I should be jaded. I should be cynical about things so why am I so affected when I'm not heard? 

This needs to stop because it's putting me in a dangerously vulnerable state. I can't protect myself if I don't even try to be protected. 

It feels as though my walls might crumble when in contact with anything now. Even the air that's surrounding us. 

Much angst. But I don't remember what happened.

Musings #1

I keep finding money in every crook and cranny, as though my thought of "I don't need to eat, I don't have money" is just an excuse to ruin myself further.

-

Not broken.
Shattered.

-

I like the idea of something that can give you those feelings all the time. I want something like that, and when I look at him, I think: there he is.
(inspired by All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven)

-

I wonder when is my built-in ending.

-

Fear: lightning and thunder

-

This rush; this giddy adrenaline that sets my heart racing and sending my brain into overdrive, is this what I've been looking for?
(I screenshot-ed a supposedly private snapchat. Fuck but I'm still giggling)

-

I infatuate so rarely but when I do, I give my all. There's no half-hearted attempts, no doubts. Just brazen actions and shameless thoughts.

But they never last for long.

Situations

Situations arise when you least expected it to. Especially situations where there's no time for damage control. Situations that sweeps you off your feet and throws you over the top of a skyscraper. Situations that hurt you so bad, they cripple you. Situations that confuses you but you're still left unexplained. Situations that you have no other choice but to accept the outcome.

Epilogue

You saved my life and went away
Come save my life again